Receiving with Grace
I know, a gratitude theme in October; it’s about as obvious as witches on broomsticks and ghosts and ghouls whispering ‘boo’. But here I am anyway, sitting on the East Coast, visiting my mom in good health, surrounded by a plethora of relatives who welcome me with the kind of hospitality only East Coasters know how to give. I’m filled with gratitude for the abundance of blessings bestowed on me.
Being here, I find myself observing my own ancestry. The patterns, the old habits, all the things I’ve taken on from my lineage that make up this avatar named Nicole.
Today we drove out to PEI to have lunch with my 90-year-old aunt. Eight of us women, spanning three generations, gathered around the table for a good catch-up and really good maritime comfort food.
When it came time to pay the bill, there was the usual fight about it. No, I’ve got it. No, I’ve got it. This happens literally every time I dine out with my mother. Eventually the bill got paid, followed by the chorus of oh, you didn’t have to, it could have been split, you shouldn’t have, etc, etc, etc.
My aunt Carole leaned over to my cousin and said, “Sit back, let it happen, and say thank you.” She told us how, in boarding school, they were taught how to be gracious.
That one line cracked the whole afternoon open. We ended up talking about gratitude and reciprocity, about why, when someone does something kind for us, our first instinct is so often they shouldn’t have, or it’s too much, or whatever polite little deflection we reach for. There’s more in that reflex than manners. Here’s what I think is actually worth sitting with.
1. Worthiness
Why do we sometimes feel unworthy of people doing nice things for us?
The deflection isn’t really about the bill, or the compliment, or the gift. It’s about whether, underneath it, we believe we deserve to be on the receiving end at all.
2. Asteya, non-stealing
Asteya is one of the yamas, the yogic guidelines for how we move through the world, and it usually gets translated as non-stealing. We think of that as not taking someone’s things, but it goes further than that. It also means not taking someone’s time, their energy, or their goodness.
When we don’t just say thank you, when we deflect, minimize, or insist we don’t need it, we’re stealing. We’re taking the moment away from theperson who was reaching to give it, and taking their intention right out of their hands. Their kindness was never ours to edit.
3. Reciprocity
To be part of this whole give and get, we have to, at some point, actually be the one who gets. Refusing to receive isn’t humility, it just breaks the cycle.
Someone has to go first, and this month, let it be you.
“Sit back, let it happen, and say thank you.” If you happen to be the giver, you simply say, “ You’re welcome. ”
So in this month of gratitude, can we give and receive with more grace?
A few small ways to practice it, this month:
• Let the compliment land. No deflecting, no “oh, this old thing.” Just a breath, and a thank you.
• Let someone else pay the bill. Once, on purpose. Notice the discomfort and let it be there.
• Say thank you without the “but,” no, “but you shouldn’t have,” no “but it’s too much.” Just thank you. And notice if there’s a feeling of wanting to return the gesture. Just receive for now.
• Ask for help before you need it. Practicing receiving in the small moments makes it possible in the harder ones.
• Notice who taught you to deflect. Not to blame them, just to see the lineage.
If someone pays you a compliment, feel it land, and say thank you. That’s it. I receive with grace. I let the gift be enough.
With gratitude,
Nicole
Love this!